Depression & Low Mood

How to Support Someone with Depression

When someone you care about is struggling with depression, it can be heartbreaking and confusing. You want to help, but you might not know what to say or do. You might worry about saying the wrong thing, or you might feel helpless watching someone you love suffer. Supporting someone with depression requires understanding, patience, and specific skills—but it's one of the most meaningful things you can do.

Depression affects not just the person experiencing it, but also their relationships, family, and friends. Research shows that social support is crucial for recovery from depression, and the quality of that support matters significantly. (PMC) This essay provides evidence-based guidance on how to support someone with depression effectively, what to say and do, what to avoid, and how to take care of yourself in the process.

Understanding What Depression Feels Like

Before you can effectively support someone, it helps to understand what depression actually feels like. Depression isn't just sadness—it's a complex condition that affects thinking, energy, motivation, and the ability to experience pleasure. Someone with depression might:

Feel exhausted even after sleeping
Struggle to concentrate or make decisions
Experience physical symptoms like headaches or body aches
Feel numb or disconnected from emotions
Have difficulty finding motivation for even basic tasks
Feel guilty or worthless
Withdraw from activities and relationships they used to enjoy

Understanding these experiences helps you respond with empathy rather than frustration. When someone with depression cancels plans or seems uninterested, it's not personal—it's the depression.

What to Say: Helpful Responses

1. Express Concern Without Judgment

Say: "I've noticed you seem down lately, and I'm worried about you. How are you doing?"

Why it works: This opens a conversation without making assumptions or placing blame. It shows you care and are paying attention.

2. Validate Their Experience

Say: "That sounds really difficult. I can see why you're struggling."

Why it works: Validation doesn't mean you agree with negative thoughts, but it acknowledges that their feelings are real and understandable. Validation has been shown to improve mood and reduce distress. (PMC)

3. Offer Specific Help

Say: "I'm here for you. Would it help if I [specific action]?" For example: "Would it help if I brought over dinner on Tuesday?" or "Would it help if I went with you to your appointment?"

Why it works: People with depression often struggle to ask for help or know what they need. Specific offers are easier to accept than vague "let me know if you need anything" statements.

4. Express Hope Without Minimizing

Say: "I know this is really hard right now, and I believe things can get better. Depression is treatable, and I'll be here as you work through this."

Why it works: This balances acknowledging their current pain with hope for the future, without dismissing their experience.

5. Ask How You Can Help

Say: "What would be most helpful right now?" or "What do you need from me?"

Why it works: This gives them agency and helps you understand what they actually need, which might be different from what you assume.

What to Do: Practical Support

1. Listen Without Trying to Fix

One of the most powerful things you can do is simply listen. People with depression often feel isolated and misunderstood. Having someone who listens without judgment, without trying to solve everything, can be incredibly healing.

How to listen effectively:

Give them your full attention—put away your phone, make eye contact
Don't interrupt or rush to offer solutions
Reflect back what you hear: "It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed"
Ask open-ended questions: "Tell me more about that"
Accept silence—sometimes people need time to process

Research shows that perceived social support—feeling heard and understood—is associated with better depression outcomes. (PMC)

2. Help with Daily Tasks

Depression can make even basic tasks feel overwhelming. Practical help can make a significant difference:

Meal preparation: Bring over a meal, help with grocery shopping, or cook together
Household tasks: Help with cleaning, laundry, or yard work
Errands: Offer to pick up prescriptions, run errands, or handle paperwork
Childcare or pet care: If they have dependents, offer to help with care

These gestures reduce the burden of daily life, allowing them to focus energy on recovery.

3. Encourage Treatment

Gently encourage professional help, but don't push too hard. You might:

Share information about treatment options (therapy, medication, support groups)
Offer to help find a therapist or make an appointment
Offer to accompany them to appointments
Help them research treatment options
Normalize seeking help: "Many people benefit from therapy" or "Getting help is a sign of strength"

Remember: You can't force someone to get help, but you can make it easier for them to take that step.

4. Stay Connected

Depression often leads to social withdrawal, but isolation makes depression worse. Stay connected even when they pull away:

Send regular check-in texts or calls (but don't be offended if they don't respond)
Invite them to activities, even if they often decline
Visit them at home if they're not up for going out
Include them in group activities, but don't pressure them to participate
Respect their boundaries while maintaining connection

Research shows that social support buffers against depression and improves treatment outcomes. (PMC)

5. Help Them Stay Active (Gently)

Physical activity and engaging activities can help with depression, but pushing too hard can backfire. Gentle encouragement works better:

Invite them for a short walk: "Want to take a 10-minute walk with me?"
Suggest low-pressure activities: watching a movie together, playing a game, or doing a simple craft
Join them in activities they used to enjoy
Celebrate small steps: "I'm glad you came" or "It's good to see you"

Behavioral activation—engaging in meaningful activities—is an evidence-based treatment for depression. (ScienceDirect) Your gentle encouragement can help them take those first steps.

6. Be Patient

Recovery from depression takes time. There will be good days and bad days. Progress isn't linear. Be patient and consistent in your support, even when it feels like nothing is changing.

What NOT to Say: Common Mistakes

Avoid These Phrases:

"Just think positive" or "Snap out of it" — Depression isn't a choice or a mindset issue. These statements minimize their experience and can make them feel worse.

"Other people have it worse" — This invalidates their pain and can increase feelings of guilt.

"You should exercise/eat better/get more sleep" — While these can help, depression makes these things difficult. Offering unsolicited advice can feel like criticism.

"I know exactly how you feel" — Even if you've experienced depression, everyone's experience is unique. Instead, say "I can't imagine exactly how you feel, but I'm here for you."

"What do you have to be depressed about?" — Depression isn't always caused by external circumstances. This question can make them feel guilty or misunderstood.

"You're being selfish" or "You're bringing everyone down" — These statements increase shame and isolation, which worsens depression.

What NOT to Do: Common Mistakes

1. Don't Try to Fix Everything

You can't solve someone's depression. Trying to fix everything can make them feel worse—like they're a problem to be solved. Instead, focus on being present and supportive.

2. Don't Take It Personally

If they cancel plans, seem uninterested, or don't respond to messages, it's not about you. It's the depression. Don't guilt them or make them feel worse about withdrawing.

3. Don't Minimize Their Experience

Avoid saying things like "It's not that bad" or "You'll get over it." Depression is a serious medical condition that requires treatment.

4. Don't Enable Harmful Behaviors

Support doesn't mean enabling. If they're using substances to cope, neglecting basic self-care, or engaging in harmful behaviors, you can express concern and encourage healthier alternatives.

5. Don't Give Up

Supporting someone with depression can be challenging and frustrating. But your consistent presence matters, even when it doesn't seem like it's helping.

Recognizing When It's a Crisis

If someone expresses suicidal thoughts or plans, take it seriously. This is a medical emergency.

Warning signs include:

Talking about wanting to die or kill themselves
Looking for ways to kill themselves (searching online, buying means)
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
Giving away possessions or saying goodbye
Sudden mood changes (from depressed to calm or happy)
Increased substance use
Withdrawing from everyone

What to do in a crisis:

Don't leave them alone if they're in immediate danger
Remove means of self-harm (medications, weapons, etc.)
Call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the United States)
Text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line)
Go to the nearest emergency room
Call 911 if it's a life-threatening emergency

You don't need to handle a crisis alone. These resources are available 24/7 and are trained to help.

Supporting Different Stages of Depression

Early Stage (Mild Symptoms)

At this stage, gentle encouragement and support can be very effective:

Check in regularly
Encourage self-care and healthy habits
Suggest professional help if symptoms persist
Maintain normal activities and social connections

Moderate to Severe Depression

At this stage, professional help is essential:

Strongly encourage treatment
Help with practical tasks
Provide consistent emotional support
Help monitor treatment progress
Be patient with slow progress

During Treatment

Support during treatment is crucial:

Encourage attendance at therapy or appointments
Help them practice skills learned in therapy
Be patient with medication side effects (they often improve over time)
Celebrate small improvements
Don't expect immediate results—treatment takes time

Recovery and Relapse Prevention

Even after improvement, ongoing support matters:

Continue to check in regularly
Help them maintain healthy habits
Watch for warning signs of relapse
Encourage continued treatment if needed
Celebrate their progress and resilience

Taking Care of Yourself

Supporting someone with depression can be emotionally draining. You can't pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary for you to be able to provide effective support.

Set boundaries: You can't be available 24/7. Set limits on what you can do and when you're available. It's okay to say "I can't talk right now, but I'm here for you tomorrow."

Seek your own support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your experience supporting someone with depression. You need support too.

Don't take responsibility for their recovery: You can support, but you can't fix their depression. Their recovery is ultimately their responsibility (with professional help).

Practice self-care: Maintain your own activities, relationships, and interests. You need to stay healthy to be able to help.

Know your limits: If the situation becomes too much, or if you're experiencing significant distress, it's okay to step back and encourage them to seek professional help.

Research shows that caregivers of people with depression can experience their own mental health challenges. (PMC) Taking care of yourself protects both you and the person you're supporting.

Supporting Someone Who Won't Get Help

Sometimes, people with depression resist getting professional help. This can be frustrating, but there are things you can do:

Understand the barriers: They might be afraid of stigma, cost, or the process itself. Listen to their concerns.
Address specific concerns: If they're worried about cost, help them find affordable options. If they're worried about medication, provide accurate information.
Normalize treatment: Share stories (anonymously) of people who've benefited from treatment.
Offer to go with them: Sometimes having support makes it easier to take the first step.
Respect their autonomy: You can't force someone to get help, but you can make it easier and more appealing.
Set boundaries: If they refuse help and their behavior is harmful to you or others, you may need to set limits.

Supporting Children and Adolescents with Depression

Supporting a child or teenager with depression requires special considerations:

Take it seriously: Depression in young people is real and serious. Don't dismiss it as "just a phase."
Encourage professional help: Early intervention is crucial for young people.
Maintain routines: Consistent routines (meals, sleep, school) provide stability.
Stay involved: Even if they push you away, stay connected and involved in their life.
Watch for warning signs: Self-harm, substance use, or suicidal thoughts require immediate professional intervention.
Work with school: Inform school counselors or teachers if appropriate, so they can provide support.

Supporting an Older Adult with Depression

Depression in older adults can look different and may be mistaken for normal aging:

Recognize the signs: Depression in older adults might present as physical complaints, memory problems, or withdrawal.
Encourage medical evaluation: Rule out medical conditions that might cause similar symptoms.
Address isolation: Older adults are at higher risk for social isolation, which worsens depression.
Help with practical barriers: Transportation, technology, or cost might be barriers to treatment.
Involve family: Coordinate with family members to provide consistent support.

Long-Term Support

Depression can be a chronic condition that requires long-term management. Your ongoing support matters:

Check in regularly: Even after they seem better, periodic check-ins show you care.
Recognize progress: Celebrate improvements, even small ones.
Be patient with setbacks: Recovery isn't linear. There will be difficult periods.
Encourage maintenance: Support continued treatment, healthy habits, and self-care.
Watch for warning signs: Know the signs of relapse and encourage early intervention.

When to Involve Professionals

While your support is valuable, there are times when professional help is essential:

If they express suicidal thoughts or plans
If symptoms are severe or worsening
If they're unable to function in daily life
If they're using substances to cope
If your support isn't enough
If you're feeling overwhelmed or unable to help

Encouraging professional help doesn't mean you've failed—it means you're recognizing that depression requires specialized treatment.

Closing

Supporting someone with depression is challenging, but it's also one of the most meaningful things you can do. Your presence, understanding, and practical support can make a real difference in their recovery. Remember:

You don't need to have all the answers
Listening is often more powerful than solving
Small gestures matter
Your consistent presence is valuable
It's okay to set boundaries and take care of yourself
Encouraging professional help is important

You can't fix someone's depression, but you can be a source of support, understanding, and hope. That matters more than you might realize.

Depression & Low Mood